Thursday, 19 January 2012

Ups and Downs

I've had a very up and (feels like a lot of ) down couple of weeks.

The downs:

  • Boyfriend has had exams and therefore has spent time revising. When he's not revising he's refreshing himself with friends, video games or simply going out. This leaves very little time when I'm not working or he's not asleep (he has an appalling sleep pattern which means he's awake about an hour and a half before I go to work in the late afternoons) for me to vie for attention. 
  • I have been feeling properly cruddy. I've been paranoid, anxious, over-thinking everything and plain pessimistic. And my sleep has been bad as a result. I've tried talking to the boyfriend about it - he's been nagging me to talk to him about how I feel, but I feel as though I'm being stupid. I'm being over the top. I feel as though I'm just repeating stuff I've said before and that he's sick of hearing it - though he protests to the contrary. I feel as though it's always me and that it's never about anything else. I feel as though I say 'I' and 'me' a lot. I feel selfish and worthless and pathetic. It just makes me want to close up instead, or to talk to someone else. I've got a couple of friends that I write to quite frequently, but they're so far away and I don't really want to spoil the light hearted and positive relationship that I have with them by saying "yeah I feel rubbish" and generally blarghing all over them. Which is another thing - I really miss having a good girl friend around. I miss having someone other than the boyfriend to talk to about things I love - and someone, which he doesn't really, that understands and enthuses about the same stuff as I do all the time. He offers to do or talk about things I want to do or talk about. Or go to places. But I feel as though I'm dragging him along. It's so stupid. I feel I have nothing I can share, but I really really want to share my interests and hobbies with someone. So I might as well just get the boyfriend to do it all, right?

    I've been over thinking motives, and often badly - I've been feeling left out and bereft of any shareable hobbies and whatnot specially since the boyfriend has been spending a lot of non revision time doing video casts with his friend for a youtube series in which they talk over old games they liked to play. [Might as well plug it here: God, I LOVE that game!]
    Today he asked me (though he admitted he didn't think I'd say yes or anything) whether I wanted to do a guest video with him next time I'm there for more than just two horrifically short days. And I said yes, maybe. In all honesty, I didn't want to properly commit myself to thinking "yeah, this could be fun even though I hate my voice on mic and I've nothing intelligible or funny to contribute" because instead I was filled with the usual "yeah if I say yes and start to look forward to it, it'll never happen."  I also wondered what the catch was - I honestly considered that it'd just be a jokey video or two, where the title would involve "teaching how to play the game to the girlfriend" or something. I am not a massive gamer, and I'm not always good at every game I come across. I take a while to get used to controls sometimes, and frankly, when I play with someone watching, I am even worse. I am good at games that I like and I can play them for hours. But new games, and games I am not inclined to play unless I've had my arm twisted, I am utterly shit at. So yeah, I wasn't entirely sure (despite the fact they don't do a lot of game play in the Shenmue vids) why they'd want me to guest it at all. I asked what the catch was, admitting I thought it would just be a piss-take and it upset him. I feel bad, for not trusting his intentions were entirely for my benefit and inclusion, but I couldn't stop those niggles popping in my head. He's taken the mick out of people before - he was brutally honest to a friend of ours at Christmas. He has even come across as a bit exasperated when we've played games co-op and I just couldn't handle the stress - yes, I felt stress - of not being good enough to play well with him, particularly in a game I didn't really want to play in the past.
  • Which leads me in a way onto my next downer: I have nothing I can enjoy properly at the moment. I have too many new games to play, some of which I am playing in order to be able to share something with the boyfriend despite the fact I've only played the game I've been waiting for for and preordered over a year for about 11 hours in total. Which is not a lot AT ALL. I've also been overwhelmed by the urge to read my books, but I've too many new ones to choose from. And one or two films I wanted to show with my grandmother but she's not got the time to watch them and she'd only fall asleep anyway. I don't game. I can't draw. I haven't been part of an orchestra or choir in years, and I really do miss it. I don't have any motivation, inspiration or enjoyment out of creative writing any more. I don't have any clubs or groups locally that share my history interests or dance classes or book clubs locally that run when I'm not working. I am incredibly lonely, particularly since whenever I offered to play an online game with the boyfriend, he was busy playing something else, or playing with his house mate or something. Which is fair enough - gets him out of the bedroom and into his sitting room. Change of scene is good when you're revising and doing nothing but reading. The only social interaction I get otherwise outside of the house is with my driving instructor and at work. 
  • Work. Oh, work. I don't mind it too much really, but there is something exhausting about being nice and polite and patient with every rude person that comes in. I could be removing a rack of chickens from the oven and turn around in order to put the 90+ degree birds on the table when a woman would just assume I turned to serve her and ask for two portions of chicken wings - the fact I had humongous blue oven gloves and sizzling chickens in my hands completely ignored. And I take it a bit amiss (partly in jest, though) when someone decides they want all 4 or 5 drumsticks that are fresh out of the oven, forcing me to sell them before they've even been in the counter for a bit and I have to go and put more in the oven in order to restock straight away. It is, in my opinion, common courtesy to wait 30 minutes before buying every item in a tray in the counter. 
  • I want to move out. It's no secret. And I want to live with my boyfriend when he's graduated. And he wants to live with me. Recently he said, doesn't matter if it's a bit of a dump, cause it'll be our own place. I'm pretty confident that I'll find *somewhere* and it'll be fairly reasonable in price with all bills included so I don't have to worry about freezing in the winter cause we're too cheap to pay for proper heating =P I've said as much to the grandparents, in an attempt to make them feel at ease with the costs and such, and they didn't believe me. Well, granddad did, though he did do his own research. My grandmother was incredulous. She told her hair dresser, who lives in Cambridge that I claimed I could find a flat or house for £400 a month (you can, but I'm looking at the range of £500-600pm) and he and another woman waiting apparently laughed out loud. When I sent some links to various properties that were £595pm bills included or less, she claimed she was happy for me and it's not as though she didn't want me to move out. Quite the opposite, I'm sure. But she managed to keep going and say how when she first came to England her first ever place was just a room with a sloping roof and a small basin that only had cold water... and then later she had a nice room with a large wardrobe and a bath and a settee and that it was lovely coming from a time of austerity. But that going from our current house to one of the places that I linked her would be intolerable for her. It took her a long time to get to the point, but that was it - she wouldn't do it. Well, I thought and think, it's not her that's doing it. I am. And granddad backed me up with it, too. I am not living there any more permanently than she did in her first digs. Apparently she's just trying to prevent me from being disappointed in the summer when things go wrong or I can't get a nice place. Well screw that! I want to be happy for once. I want to look ahead and look forward to moving out - for the right reasons, not because I'm sick of mixed messages and how tense I feel at home or because I'm sick of not feeling as though I can do what I like with my life.
    Yes, it feels damn awful to be disappointed after being excited about something for a while, but I'm starting to wonder if being disappointed is a sign that someone has high hopes for everything and has good intentions and expectations otherwise. 

The Ups. I hope that they'll kind of even out the crap eventually.
  • I have my week off booked. I am seeing my best friend in York for the second time this academic year. Dunno yet what we'll be doing, but I just can't wait to see her. And then after that, I'm spending a week in Bournemouth going straight from York to Bomo. I'll probably have to use the washer machine whilst there, cause most of my suitcase space is just my towel and hair dryer! And then on the last day, we go to London for the Super Comic Convention, and maybe meet Stan Lee. Exciting stuff. Expensive week for me though D:
  • This time next week I'll be sleeping in Bournemouth. I know for a fact I'll cry next Saturday when I wake up and know I have to go home, but I plan to make the most of the two days as much as I can.
  • I plan to go to Madame Tussauds in London with an old friend some time in the next couple of weeks. I'm welcome to spend the night at her place, but I might just spend the one day, if it's a bit cheaper, cause I'll be spending a LOT this February. 
  • I have booked my driving test for the 14th March. It's at a not-too busy time of day. I should be relatively awake as well when I'm collected to go to the test centre. I've doubled up my driving lessons to 4 hours (two hour lessons) a week, and I am generally improving, I think. I still have the odd off day, but on the whole, it's not so bad. I need to start going out in my own car more. Granddad's offered to do that. My instructor is confident that I'll be up and driving certainly by September. xD
  • I've been offered college membership with the Cambridge Uni, and I've sorted out all my forms and got a placement sorted for the first week of my course, so that's all on the go. I also intend to meet up with the bubbly girl that I met at the interview. I want to establish a solid-ish friendship with her, if I'm honest. She's really nice and energetic and I hope to learn from her! She suggested meeting up for coffee or lunch or something some time when she's next in the area, so I'll take her up on that. 
  • I've found a couple of exercise classes I'm interested in that I can do on my days off at my local leisure centre, and only for about £5 a week. One I'm interested in is new - it's called Zumba, and it's a mix of Latin dance and aerobics or something, I think. Closest I'll get to dance sessions. And I need to get fit again. Wondering whether to start walking with very heavy shoulder bag and saxophone to and from the bus stop once a day in order to re-tone my abs. (Found it beneficial, muscle-wise, when in Sixth Form).
  • I seem to be clicking quite well with most of the staff at work. Aside from one lad who I really don't think I'll ever get on with properly because he's half-assed, impudent and a bit of a jerk, I get on quite well with everyone and have a chat with everyone now. Even the quiet shy one, though it can feel a bit awkward still at times.
  • I'm trying out a cognitive behavioural therapy program called MoodGym. It may or may not work, but I thought I'd give it a go. Provides me with insights to the way I think, or even just reaffirms what I suspect - that I am emotionally loopy. It makes me feel a bit productive I guess.
So yeah. I had to get all that written down and off my chest, cause telling it to my boyfriend properly made me feel even worse about myself for all his good intentions, and I'm glad that I listed the good points last cause it made me feel a little bit better. Here is what I want/will do for the future:

  • I'm tired of having nowhere to go and nothing to do. I'm going to try that Zumba class at least once, and I'm not letting my lack of a sports bra deter me as my lack of a swimming costume deterred me from taking up swimming again.
  • I am going to have my damn hair sorted out.
  • I am going to HR on Monday and I am going to ask about how much holiday I'll be entitled to by the end of July, when I intend to hand in my notice, and I will make sure I have my holiday booked off my on my birthday week and at least two other weeks elsewhere in the summer.
  • I am not going to just let the boyfriend's umming and ahing put me off planning something for my birthday. If he can't go, then fine, but I intend to go out and I'll bloody well ask his housemates and friends that I know if I want to. Or go to Lancaster and meet my friend there and go out or something. Whatever.
  • I will go back to Lancaster and see my two other friends and Jeremy the barman and sit in the bar I love(d) so much.  
  • I will pass my driving test by June, if I fail the first time. 
  • I will move out by the end of September. 
  • I will have house viewings over the Easter holidays or sooner.

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